Have Not Been The Same
by Notatracer
Summary: [Drawing Flies] Complete Donner finally tells the unpleasant story of what really happened in the woods. A dark story for a dark movie.
1. Morally Reprehensible

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My life started to unravel at a most alarming rate. 

The interior of Ludlow Perdue Psychiatric Institute, otherwise known as the nut house, is for the most part a dark and lonely place. Oh, sure, there's plenty of voices to be heard at all hours of the night. But, disembodied voices are no friend of mine. Particularly if the voice is coming from inside my own head. 

Not that it matters, or that it's any of your fucking business, but my name is Donner. Yeah, as in the Donner Party. Only, I never ate anyone. Well, at least not in the cannibalistic sense. You may be asking yourself, "What the hell kind of name is Donner?" And, to that I would reply, "Fuck you." 

I moved from my hometown of Kitchener, which is just outside of Toronto a few years ago. Packed up and moved all the way out west to Vancouver with the hopes of becoming a star. I don't know it seemed like a good idea at the time. And, yes, I am Canadian. Though I make a conscious effort to avoid saying things such as 'eh' or 'aboot'. However there is something hot about a girl who pronounces it 'aboot'.

I moved in with my stoner friend Az, his girlfriend Cassidy, and their friend Meg. Meg was also from the Toronto area, though we'd never met before. Somehow or another Cassidy became my girlfriend before it was all over with. Az didn't seem to mind. Either he didn't know or he didn't care. Regardless, I know they were still screwing around. I never actually caught them, but there was just something about the way they were always hanging off of each other. I really could have cared less. Cassidy was my girlfriend for the pure and simple fact that she was there. Granted, I got off on her aggressive bitchiness. But, I slept with Meg also. She was like the polar opposite of Cassidy. Sweet, soft spoken, very inhibited… but that may've been due to the fact that she was only fifteen. As far as I know, she had only dated Ethan before… well, I can't say dated me… before she was with me. Cassidy on the other hand had been around and done things most people have only read about in books. My dalliances with Meg pretty much came to an end when my friend Jake from back east moved in. She fell in love with that pretty boy jock for some reason. I didn't care. Cassidy or Meg, when it came down to it was all the same to me. Hell, I would've fucked Az had he offered. All I cared about was getting high and watching tv. 

Az, myself, and his friend John started a band. It was really really; I mean just totally fucking horrible. We were probably about the worst band in all of Canada, and that's saying a lot. Despite our stories to the contrary, we were never almost signed to a label. We couldn't even give our tapes away. It was fun while it lasted though. Sort of. 

Az and I would work at the hot dog stand all day, get our $60 and go spend it on beer at a party that not only did our band play for free, but we also had to pay to get in the door. Sometimes we even had to pay to play. But, for a few hours we were rock stars in our own minds because a bunch of drunken kids would cheer. Thinking back, maybe the cheers were because we had stopped playing.

All five of us, which was me, Az, Cassidy, Meg, and Jake, only lived all together for a few months shy of a year. But, I swear, it felt like a fucking millennia. By the time Jake moved in we were completely dependent on welfare checks to support ourselves and our habits. The band was non existent. Az and John weren't on speaking terms, not that John talked very much to begin with. And, we'd all become old pros in the fine art of shoplifting. Incidentally, before Jake had even moved in, I had already borrowed $600 of the $720 that I would come to owe my little sister Sarah. In fact, I still owe her that money to this very day, which is probably why she doesn't talk to me anymore. Well, that added onto the other morally reprehensible act I had committed when I trekked my sorry ass back to Kitchener to ask her for the money in the first place. That, however, is between me and Sarah. Definitely not between me and you. 

I even resorted to selling my ass a few times. Nothing says luvin' quite like some old coot reeking of whiskey fucking you in a very uncomfortable place. But, my occasional discomfort kept our electricity on. Nobody asked where I got the extra money. I never asked where they got theirs on the rare occasions that those lazy fucks chipped in anything extra. Some things you do you just don't share with your friends. I don't have any friends now. No enemies either. Unless you would count myself as an enemy. And, I sure as shit would. My arms pay dearly for my current self-loathing. But, that little detail is none of your fucking business. None of this is, really.


	2. Doc Robinson

Donner stopped talking and looked up at Dr. Robinson, who was quietly taking notes. 

"Please continue."

"Are you sure you're really a shrink?"

Dr. Robinson smiled while pushing his glasses up.

"Yes, Donner. At least that's what my diploma says. Now, do go on."

Donner sat quietly for a moment, looking down at his hands.

"You mean about when I…."

"Yes?"

He shrugged at the doctor.

"You're better off with the version I tell those other quacks. Besides, you know what really happened. I'm sure it's in my file. No point in rehashing that fucking nightmare again."

"I want to hear you say it."

Donner sighed. 

"Tell me, Donner, what did you do in the woods? Did you ever find Bigfoot?"

"Sasquatch! And, you know the answer. I've told all those other doctors a million times over that they came to me. They understood me. They accepted me for who I was. They…"

Donner grew quiet, knowing that the truth and the lies were blurring.

"Get it out, Donner. I promise that it will feel better just to finally say it."

"I don't know where to start. It's all so fucking mixed together now."


	3. How I Got Here

I talked those naive bastards into going out into the woods with me, in search of a cabin that didn't exist. As they walked in the direction I had pointed them in; I would go off on my own. Mostly, I would be looking for Sasquatch. I would sniff the ground and gather sticks or clumps of shit. Anything I thought might be useful. I would also watch my friends without their knowledge. Waiting to see if and when Jake might let on that he knew the truth. Or, at least as much of the truth that he thought he knew. He finally came to me and told me that I was acting weird and it was obvious that I was lying to everyone. I told him that if he said anything, I would kill him in his fucking sleep. And, I meant it.

I didn't notice it at the time, but things started getting weird when I stopped having those visions. All of the days started blurring together. I was sleeping little and eating less. And, yet, I didn't seem to notice. There were men in diapers and friendly squirrels among other oddities. On the day Cassidy and Az left, she said that we had been in the woods for two weeks. It couldn't have been that long. She had gotten me so pissed that I didn't realize what she had said was wrong. Or that none of us, myself excluded, looked like we had been wandering around in the woods for that long. 

When Meg and Jake left, they left me out there to die. I wanted them to leave me and in my mind it was good that they left. But, it shows what kind of friends they were. Or, at least it would have. 

I was telling the story to my Sasquatch friends when it all got fucked around. I had just got finished telling them about what I thought my human friends were doing at that moment, how they were wasting their lives and all. I scooched a little closer to the fire and closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep.

When I woke, however, I wasn't sitting by the fire with my new friends. I was leaning against a tree, my little book in my lap. Asleep on the ground in front of me were my old friends. Az had a make shift bandage around his arm, so I at least knew this was sometime after the night he had fallen out of the tree. It was so unreal. There had been no diaper men, no meeting my new friends, and most importantly, these stupid fucks still didn't know that there was no cabin. Except for Jake, of course, but I hoped he'd be smart enough not to say anything. 

I found myself standing over them, resenting them for the dream I had. I blamed them for taking that away from me. I knew… just knew that there was no way the Sasquatch would come for me so long as they were here. And, that the point of this last vision was clear. They weren't welcome.

Cassidy, who had been sharing a sleeping bag with Az, opened up one eye. That one accusing eye looked up at me. 

"Donner… what the fuck are you doing?"

I didn't say anything. She grunted at me. I used to like that grunt, but not anymore. I had to plan this out. I turned and walked a few steps away. 

With my back to her, I quietly said, "There is no cabin."

There was a pause before she yelled, "What?!" and threw something that hit me in the back. She proceeded to call me things such as 'stupid fucker', 'sorry fucker', and other names that ended with 'fucker'. I didn't turn around. 

Cassidy's yelling woke the others. I walked into the woods, hoping that they would leave. They were yelling for me, yelling at each other. I'm almost positive Jake let it slip that he knew. I walked until I was finally out of range of their voices. I sat by a tree for the entire day, waiting. After twelve hours or so, I had it in my head how I was going to do it. I didn't really want to, but it was the only way. If they wouldn't leave on their own, I had to… well… you know.

I wandered back over to their campsite. They had apparently decided to stay the night. I had the map… I was the only one who could get them back out. I looked down at them sleeping. I thought for sure that I must have been having another dream or vision because I didn't feel like myself. It was almost like I was watching myself watch them. 

The first one was Az. He was already injured, so I figured he would be the easiest. I woke him up, telling him to come with me because I had something to show him. He was always so fucking trusting of me. He asked no questions as I led him what could have easily been a half-kilometer from the others. Nothing but moonlight lit our way. I let him get ahead of me. Telling him to keep going, it was just up ahead. When he wasn't paying attention, I snuck up right behind him. I caught his foot with mine, causing him to trip. As luck would have it, my luck not his, he fell right onto his hurt arm. He cried out, but before he could look at me… I don't think I could have done it had he looked at me… I pulled out my Swiss Army Knife and stabbed him in the back. I must have caught a lung because he didn't make a noise. I didn't hang around to see if he died. I didn't want to look at him, didn't want to think. I just had to do. Why? Because it was the only fucking way. They would never come for me otherwise.

I wanted Cassidy to be last, but I knew Jake had to be last. He was stronger than me. And, I couldn't risk Meg waking him up just yet. So, Cassidy had to be next. I walked back to the camp. They were all still sleeping. I had Az's blood on my hands and probably my clothes as well. But, it was dark. I quietly woke Cassidy up. She bitched, but I persisted. I used all the same sweet words and moves that I used when I wanted to get her into bed. No doubt, that's what she thought my intentions were. I led her off into the woods, my arm around her shoulders. We got to be what I thought was a far enough distance from the others when I stopped. Always the aggressive one, she pushed me up against the nearest tree. Her hand almost immediately found it's way into my pants. For a brief moment, I forgot that I wasn't out there to fuck. I had something more important to do. I wrapped my arm around her, and held her tightly against me. Then, as I stuck the knife in her, I said, "I love you, baby". 

By this point, I was freaked out. I think it finally clicked in my head that what I was doing was wrong. So fucking wrong. But, I wasn't myself. I knew that I had started this, I couldn't leave it half done. My father had always told me to never quit. Of course, I'm sure he didn't imagine I'd be in the woods somewhere in B.C. killing my friends when I finally decided to take his advice. I'd quit school, quit work, quit relationships, quit my band, quit caring… but I couldn't quit this. The fucking things I did just to get my way.

I ran back to the camp as fast as I could. When I got there, I sat on Meg's stomach and just started hacking at her like the mad man that I had become. Jake was lying right beside her, so if her screams hadn't woken him, all the movement would have. I don't remember exactly what I did to her, but I remember her crying. Poor Meg. I always hated to see her cry.

Jake grabbed me by the arms from behind and pulled me off of her. I swung around, but before I could do anything he had flipped me over onto my back and punched me. I tasted blood. I assumed it was my own, but I wasn't sure. He hit me a couple more times before everything went black.

I'm told that when the cops found me, I was laying on the ground, covered in mud, laughing. The bodies of my friends had drawn an enormous amount of flies. I don't remember any of that. I just know that there was a picture of me in the Sunday paper above an article that called me a 'cold blooded bastard'. I didn't know you could call someone a bastard in the paper. Maybe I'll sue them for libel. 


End file.
